Helminthic therapy poetry
The Parasite Paradox
A parasite said to its host,
‘Though I’m not trying to boast,
My favourite trick
Is making you sick,
So your health will be better than most.’
The Best Eight Doctors
The best eight doctors anywhere
And no one can deny it
Are sunshine, water, rest and air
A few safe worms, some FMTs
Exercise and diet.
These eight will gladly you attend
If only you are willing
Your mind they'll ease
Your will they'll mend
And charge you not a shilling.
(With apologies to Wayne Fields!)
Source
The Top-up Dose
The pipette's squeeze,
The liquid's squirt,
The hope the dose won't be inert.
The dressing's on,
The wait's begun,
The clock is set, so all is done.
Four minutes in,
I hold my breath.
Suspense like this could be my death!
Five minutes… No,
Can't feel a thing!
Why is nothing happening?
Six minutes… Ah!
What was that?
Perhaps I'll press the dressing flat.
Yes? … No!
A false alarm.
My kingdom for an itchy arm!
Hang on...
Was that it?
I think I may have just been bit!
Oh, yessssssssssssss!
What a dream!
I'm all hitched up to a brand new team.
The Dew Itch
When you walk in the grass
and you get an itch,
don't scratch your skin,
something good is burrowing in.
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
twelve donors pooping,
eleven stools-a-steaming,
ten eggs-a-hatching,
nine technicians counting,
eight doctors doubting,
seven asthmatics singing,
six autistics mingling,
five years relief,
four months wait,
three days itch,
two plastic tubes,
and five tiny hookworm lar-vae.
A whipworm Q&A
TSO, TSO, where have you been?
We’ve been in a pig sty, all sparkly and clean.
TSO, TSO, what will you now?
We’ll upgrade your gut until you go, “Wow!”
TSO, TSO, what will you then?
We’ll leave you in health till you need us again.
In the Ghetto
(I got my start on NA through the Hookworm Underground. I was not able to drive myself to the pick up point, so my saintly mother took me. My provider would generously not accept any money for their donation, so I sang them this song in gratitude.)
On a cold and cloudy April day
A man put a patch on his arm and prayed
In the ghetto
In the ghetto
And his mama cried.
'Cause if there's one thing that he does need
It's ten more hungry mouths to feed
In the ghetto
In the ghetto
People don't you understand?
A fellow needs a helpin' hand
So he can grow to be a wormy old man
Some da-ay
In the ghetto
Words set to this tune.
Source
The Amazing Dr Wriggly
All the Queen's doctors
And all the Queen's men
Couldn't give Johnny
His health back again.
But then he met Wriggly,
Who knew what to do.
So Johnny felt better,
And so too might you!
Accompaniment to taking a first dose of HDC
Bring out the flavour,
And bring out the zest.
Just bring out the helminths,
And bring out the best.